Episode 4/Transcript

Dr. Havoc: Dear Diary, it is 1:30 AM on New Year's Day. Which is six hours since I had dinner, 30 minutes until I go to bed, and exactly 2 hours since I was supposed to blow up New York. Havoc: From now on, no countdowns allowed in this lair! Von Duct: ...Anywhere? Henchman Steve: Aw yeah, bean and cheese and meat! Beeeean and cheese and meat! (starts singing and doing Air Guitar) Bean and cheese and meat! Bean and cheese and meat! Havoc: (unplugs the microwave) We're not doing that anymore. (leaves) Steve: Awwww! (takes the burrito out and takes a bite) So—cold... Henchmen: (in unison) Three! Two... Havoc: (shoots the television) No more countdowns. (leaves) Henchmen: Awww... Henchman Kyle 1: Okay guys! Three, two—(gets shot) Havoc: (holding the camera) Say "cheese"! Henchmen Steves: Cheese! Henchman Kyle 2: That was my best friend. Havoc: (re-enters the lab) Okay, now we're gonna sit here and we're gonna wait for this goddamn rock--(a weapon is thrown, shatters the lights and causes a blackout) Wha--?! Who's there?! (an unknown figure runs around) Ah, I swear to God, if you guys are playing with that fucking Frisbee again-- Computer voice: Emergency lights: activated. Havoc: Ah, good. (looks up) Oh, God! Nighthook: Hello, Havoc. Havoc: Oh, godammit, Nighthook! Why do you always have to break my lights?! Nighthook: Because I'm a creature of the night, darkness is my home. Havoc: There's glass everywhere. The switch is right next to you! I hope your special weapon is a fuckin' broom! Nighthook: No... the darkness... that is my special weapon! Havoc: Aww, the broom's on the other side of the glass! Nighthook: Welcome to my world. Where all light, is replaced, with... (beat) Havoc: Darkness? Nighthook: You got that right, buster. Havoc: Okay, great. Anyway--wait, did you just stack up all those bodies neatly into a pile while the lights were off? Nighthook: Yeah. Pretty impressive, huh? Havoc: Yeah, seems a little unnecessary though. Nighthook: What can I say? I'm a showman. Havoc: Oh yeah, I understand, I mean--some effective presentation. Nighthook: (laughs, then bows) Uh, eh-thank you. Havoc: Wait--that's more people than were in this room! Nighthook: Oh yeah, I brought in some guys from other rooms, too. Havoc: Wow, that is dedication. Nighthook: Yes, well it's not just any guy who can knock out 15 men, then stack them neatly in a pile... in four seconds of darkness. (bends down) Oh yeah, look at that. Sturdy as a rock. Look at him. He's not going anywhere. (laughs, but then one of the henchmen starts groaning. Nighthook punches him repeatedly, then turns back to Havoc.) Sorry about that. Havoc: No, that's fine, that's fine. Nighthook: Alright, Havoc. Havoc: (points to the pile) Wait, who's that? Nighthook: W-who? Havoc: Who's that? Right there. Right here? Nighthook: Uhh, that's-that's one of your outside guards! Havoc: One of my what? Nighthook: Uh--o-one of your outside guards? O-one of the guys you have dressed as a civilian, guarding the outside of your lair? Havoc: No, I don't have any of those. I think that's just a guy. In fact, yeah, that's one of the homeless guys that hangs out in the alley. Nighthook: Shit. Really? ...Oh, God. (tries to pull the hobo out of the tight pile--to no avail) Computer Voice: Nineteen minutes until launch. Nineteen min-nineteen-nine-nine-nine-nine—nine-ninet...