Episode 8/Transcript

(Havoc is in his office) Havoc: (writing) Dear Diary, remember last week when I helped that nice girl out? Turns out, no good deed goes unpunished. (flashback) (Havoc and his henchmen are working in a lab) Henchman Kyle: Here's your plutonium core, Dr. Havoc. (hands it to him) Havoc: Ahh, perfect! Man, you guys! When this bomb is done, it's gonna be so FUCKIN' sweet! Alright, let's see where we are here... (opens up the instruction manual) "Step 236: Connect the A-Sockets to the T-Bolts". Uh, guys, who's got the little Alan wrench that came with the kit? Crystal Mynxx: (kicks open a vent and dramatically drops down into the lair) Alright, Dr. Havoc! The jig is up! Havoc: (to the henchmen) Oh, you guys! Who got me a stripper? Kyle? Steve? Other Steve? Other Kyle? Didn't see ya back there. Crystal Mynxx: Hey! I'm not a stripper! My name is Crystal Mynxx, and I'm a superhero! Havoc: Oh, I'm sorry! I--hah, I didn't realize, uhh... did you just-did you just come back from a uh, like some sort of pool party? Or something? Crystal Mynxx: What? No! I'm here to stop you! Havoc: In that? Uhh, wow. I don't know, I think maybe you forgot some of your super suit. Crystal Mynxx: Uh, no. This is a super suit that was issued to me by the Superhero's Union. Havoc: Really? (puts back the instruction manual) I gotta tell ya, most of the superheroes I run into have like, pads, or armor. I mean, a good deal of them are just covered head-to-toe! Crystal Mynxx: (laughs) Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't fly for a woman. Havoc: Huh. That outfit does not seem very functional for our line of work. I mean, we're about to do battle, how is that (points to her thong) supposed to help you? Crystal Mynxx: Ummm... support? Havoc: Support what? Your butthole? (the Henchmen laugh) Sorry, I uh, recently found out that they have the minds of children. Crystal Mynxx: It's fine. Steve: (whispering to a Henchman Kyle) Did you hear him say "butthole"? (they laugh) Havoc: (sighs) Lemme ask you: is that outfit even comfortable? Crystal Mynxx: Nope. Everything I'm wearing hurts. Havoc: Aw, see, that's bullshit! You're a superhero, right? I assume you have superpowers? Crystal Mynxx: Hell, yeah! I've got super-strength and unbreakable bones! Havoc: Unbreakable bones?! That's awesome! You see, you should be able to wear whatever you want! I mean, I don't think your ability to crush bad guys' skulls is dependent on how much cleavage you show. Crystal Mynxx: You know what? Yeah, this is bullshit! I'm gonna go to the union, tell them I'm gonna wear whatever the hell I want! Havoc: Yeah, good for you! Crystal Mynxx: Hey, you mind if I take my shoes off before I head out? Havoc: Yeah, that-th-that's fine. Crystal Mynxx: (removes her right boot and sighs happily. She then removes her left boot and groans happily) That feels good. (leaves) (present) Havoc: (writing) For once, I had stopped a superhero by empowering them! And then today happened... (flashback) (Back in the lab, Havoc is working on the bomb) Havoc: Wow. (Looks at the picture on the package) Looks exactly like it did on the box. Alright, let's get this thing into a major metropolit-- Crystal Mynxx: (pushes up Havoc's door and enters. She looks completely like a soldier) Hello, Havoc. Havoc: Crystal Mynxx?! Is that you?! Crystal Mynxx: Yes. But I don't go by "Crystal Mynxx" anymore. My new superhero name is... Gail. Havoc: "Gail"? Well uh, now that's a little gravitas, but okay, seems like you're really embracing your new image! Gail: What you said really opened my eyes. I'm now ready to fight the real evil in this world. Havoc: (pumps up) Alright, let's do this-- Gail: The Patriarchy! Havoc: What's that now? Gail: Yes, my real enemy is the oppression that the ruling class of this world, men, have foisted upon me and my sisters! Havoc: Okay, well... as a supervillain, I kinda feel like I'm your real enemy. Gail: Yeah, you are the problem! Havoc: Thank you-- Gail: Because you're a man! Havoc: No. No, I'm the problem because I have a nuclear bomb and I'm gonna blow up a city! Not because I have a penis! Gail: Oh, you just had to bring up your penis, huh? Is that what you think gives you your power over me? Havoc: No no. (sighs) A-all I'm saying-- Gail: I don't need you to manspalin to me! Havoc: I'm not manspalining anything, sweetheart! All I-- Gail: What did you just call me?! Havoc: Oh God! I'm-I'm sorry, that-that's not what I meant! Gail! I mean to say Gail! Gail: (rushes at him and beats him up, roaring. She kicks him the groin multiple times before chucking him into some barrels.) Havoc: Ugh... I'm gonna be honest. This would've been a lot more fun if you were still wearing that bikini-thing. (present) Havoc: (writing) And so, Diary... I think I'm gonna go soak my testicles in a bowl of ice. Not because I feel like they were giving me my power, but simply because they hurt. They hurt real bad. (gets up and slowly leaves, groaning)